Dedicated to the memory of Ben

This site is a tribute to our darling boy Ben, who was born in Solihull on the 2nd May 2005. He is much loved, missed every moment, and will always be remembered by us and so many other people who loved him during his 11 years.

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Thoughts

I read this essay and it says it perfectly...…….. I just miss you. There really is no other explanation for the heaviness felt in my heart. It is as simple and yet as complicated as that – I just miss you. What I wouldn’t give for one more moment. One more moment to hold you. To look into your eyes and tell you how much you are loved. What I wouldn’t give to go back in time to the moment where I last held you. Where I was able to kiss you and where I was forced to say goodbye. Because I would relive all the pain of what came after – for just one more moment with you. I would hold you close to my warm skin, with my arms wrapped tightly around you and I would breathe you in. I would soak in that moment all over again, even knowing it would be our last. What I wouldn’t give to have a second chance. A chance to do things differently even though I know those things couldn’t change the outcome. But I’d do them anyway because I would do anything to try. There are a thousand different versions of how our story could have played out – and this version is the one I didn’t expect. I cannot undo what has already been done – but what I wouldn’t give to try just one more time. I never knew missing someone could hurt so badly. I never knew that missing someone would change me so irrevocably. I never knew how deep and wide love could flood into my life. I never knew how precious this life was until I met you. I never knew just how much love could hurt until you left. And I never had a clue that the cause of insuperable pain could be narrowed down into four little words – I just miss you. Your absence has flooded through every part of me. And like a flood, it has left cracks in my foundation. The flood of your absence has obliterated the core pieces of who I once was. It has cracked my heart wide open and my heart has bled with nothing but undying love. And it left me fighting to survive it all. But I would do it all over again. Because our love is so much more than a flood of your absence. Our love is like a lighting that rushes through me. It has illuminated the darkest parts of me. It ignites my soul and has thundered through my life – pushing me to live a life full of you. For you. Because of you. You – the one who has changed me. The one who has taught me so much about this life and my ability to love with every cell in my body. For you – I keep breathing, I keep fighting, I keep living. For you – I love more deeply and laugh more freely. For you- I cherish this one life I’ve been given. No matter the amount of pain and heartbreak. For you – because you exist in every corner of my soul. And your name has transcended from the title you were given while you were still here and into a feeling that describes your absence. Because on the days where I just miss you all I can do is utter your name. And when someone asks me what weighs heavy on my heart yours is the name that flows out. Nothing more is needed to describe what it is I am feeling because you are that feeling. The feeling of missing you, loving you, longing for you, and all the feelings in between. You are the reason they are there and you are the reason I feel them so profoundly. I never wanted any of this. No one ever wants this. But I wanted you. And sometimes no matter how much we want – it isn’t enough to stop the waters from rising and the flood from sweeping into our lives. So much time has passed and still some days there is a heaviness that weighs me down. I keep searching for the words to explain where it comes from or why it’s there. It feels so complicated yet the only words I can muster are – “I just miss you.” I miss you more than words can say and emotion can express. Everything I do has been washed by the waters of your absence. Even my heart beats to a steady rhythm of you and its echo rings through the space where you used to be. I have never known so much love, so much joy, and so much heartbreak, until you. And some days the only explanation for the suffocating pain that still lingers on is… I just miss you. ~Jessi Snapp
Sent by Helen on 04/09/2018
Ben we so wish we could be sharing your 13th birthday with you, you would have loved being a teenager, being without you every day is hard but special days like this even harder to bear 💔 We love and miss you ben always and forever from nanny and grandad 💛💛💛⭐️⭐️⭐️🐶🐶🐶🌈🌈🌈😘😘😘
Sent by Janet on 02/05/2018
Love and miss you more than ever Ben, nothing is the same without you, missed doing egg hunt with you, miss doing everything we used to do together, you were the light of my life and are always in my thoughts, shine bright darling boy, love you always and forever, from nanny 👍💛⭐️🐶🌈😘xxx
Sent by Janet on 05/04/2018

Candles

My sweet, beautiful Ben. Here is my regular little message on the 4th of the month. So today is 27 months, it always feels like a shocking amount of time has passed. It’s so tough baby, it feels like time is just going by - we are powerless to stop it, and life is carrying on for everyone else, while we are just here, plodding along, unable to live life fully without you. Our life is still so much about you, it’s now about living with our grief - which is basically our love for you, and it’s about carrying you with us all the time, and finding ways to bring you into the day to day as much as possible. We’re in to December now and Christmas is fast approaching, I feel really quite disinterested - like so many other things is lost it’s sparkle now, there just isn’t anything to be excited about anymore. We are Just left with the memories of all the amazing times we had with you - our little Christmas star. So basically, as I say every month - and feel every week, day, hour, minute and second - we love you so much, just like we always have and always will. And we miss you with every piece of our heart. Send us your signs baby - robins and rainbows, so we know you are close by and watching everything we are doing. Love you all the stars in the sky, to the moon and back. Your mommy always xxx
Lit by Mommy on 04/12/2018
Thinking of you lots today Ben. Keep sending signs for your Mommy and Daddy as I know how much it means to them. Miss you and love always. Vicky and Cal xxx
Lit by Vicky and Cal on 04/12/2018
My amazing godson and nephew Ben, you’re in my thoughts and in my heart every day and I know you're watching over us all. Love you so much! Stick xxx
Lit by Uncle Nick on 04/12/2018
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